JANUS

I wait on the cusp

Of what was and what will be

For permission to wander on.

I am held back because I carry with me

The ones who were, and who must stay

Behind the veil which separates memories

From the life which is yet to be lived.

And on my mind clings pains and angers which hold me

In this place which is no place at all

To leave them behind would be

The killing of that which made me who I am

And to carry them on would be

An abortion of the girl who may yet be born

But to wait here in the limbo of times

Nurtured by an umbilical cord of bittersweet agony

Is to resign after so many battles won.

So then I must go on

And in doing so choose to let go

Yet a sense of mourning deceives me

Of desires and wills and the determination

To pass the border of survival

Into the realm of living

The person I am, who I must be, who I want to become

Was molded by that which holds me back

And now on the verge of freedom

I feel the loss of those who I must leave behind me

And of the blissful ability which comes with childhood

To rely on those around you and never your own self

The legs which now must carry me

Are strong from the times I spent

Running from that which I am now faced with

The time has come, I have arrived at the cusp

Of what was and what will be

The door to one has closed behind me

And the door to the other has not yet been opened

The key is hidden amongst that which must be

Left behind in this place which is no place at all

Where the thorns are stripped off the roses

And the storms are washed off the rainbows

The latter of each accompany you as you move forward

To the endless possibilities in the time which awaits.

But to make it to that time, a decision must be made

And so the choice which faces me is:

To carry the past on my back until it breaks

Or to bury it in the earth and be free.